My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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