i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
