Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
