He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
