woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
