How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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