I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Randomize
