I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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