Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
