I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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