I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
