she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
