hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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