I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
