cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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