I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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