so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
