I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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