I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
