Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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