a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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