smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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