It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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