You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
