tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
