It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
