get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
