Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
