I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
