someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
