Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
