I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
