I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
