well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
