Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
