to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
