i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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