Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So here I am, sexting at work.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
