RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
