hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
