My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
