she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
