hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
