Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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