those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
