the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
