my vag is so smooth its legendary
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
