I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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