you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
