to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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