well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
