they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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