My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
