1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
