True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
