Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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