she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
