I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
