i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
