it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
