I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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