I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is Oprah even human
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