This is not my ceiling
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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